~memories~

Foolish me.

2012-02-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Life has becoming more and more tasteless. Nothing really interest me. No motivation, no passion, nothing. Don't know when a life like that started. I getting more and more sensitive to words and emotions. When people say I'm not good at something, I will just continue to think more about it and it always lead to the same conclusion. Yup, indeed I have nothing good. I am just getting more and more sad recently, I didn't know why. Maybe is just me with my sorrowful feeling, just me with my foolish thinking. Going to be 24 in 6 days, knowing the fact that I am growing older, it really does sadden me more. I do ask myself "What I have done will in life?" The answer is nothing. Totally nothing. No achievement, no good attitude, no good talent, not good in anything. It is true that some of the things in life I have been doing for months, years and sadly none of them has been done well. And all I could do is to think about that failure. Failure after failure, I learnt nothing from them.Came into Bioengineering, I didn't do well in fact I did badly. I always tell myself to put more effort in it but after this 4 years is still the same. Then I always waste so much time studying for SOA exams and none of them turn up well. My life is all about wasting money, and I never earn any. The piled up study loan is making me sick, so much money. Will I be able to return all of them? Will I even able to get a job in the first place? I don't feel like writing anymore. Just doing everything halfway and with this attitude, success will never be seen by me. What you said is right. "considering the fact I did something for so long....." I really never do well.

self

2011-09-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Ferdi,

Stop wasting so much time on others! you got 2 SOA papers coming soon.... got FYP and job application.
work hard please..

from,
Ferdi

I am just not myself

2011-06-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

Recently I just don't feel like I am myself. Once again I immerse in the sea of sorrow that I thought I already got out of it. My result is better this semester but not to the level I want it to be. I felt like I really screw up my life these few years saying goodbye to my dreams and goals. A big sigh.

I needed someone to talk to but I just don't know who, my family, my friends or perhaps a stranger? Sadly, I seldom talk about my problems with my family anymore, in fact I always hide from them. I think even my closest friends don't know what problems I am facing. Perhaps I myself don't even know what problems I am facing. Well, maybe typing my feelings out would be good. Sorry to my blog readers as I am just complaining about my life all the time. Life doesn't seem right to me anymore these few days, waking up every morning feeling that I am just a plain loser, yeah, a stupid one indeed. I was trying to read up more these few days but I really can't concentrate. Asking myself "WHY?". As usual, no concrete answer could be found. I really hope I could find the answer soon. I don't wanna live in a world where I don't know who I am anymore.

Look at the bright side, there is some changes in me or just maybe one. I have become so much more patient recently. I can wait for those who I care for hours. I am just happy to accompany them. Would be so contented just by seeing people I care for smiling. Yeah, a true smile is just so sweet and so warm. Thinking of warmth, I miss home, I miss the warmth of family I used to have. I really don't feel it anymore. And this obviously induce me to think a lot. Pondering the meaning of life.

And today, well to be exact is 1st of June. I was so unhappy the whole day and I made it again without anyone noticing. Yeah, it was my mum's birthday, it made me think a lot, just a lot. Thinking of the past, and emotionally post a status in Facebook. Somehow no one notices that I was struggling the whole day. I tried to occupy myself by having dinner with friends, playing games and Skype conference with my ex-Georgian friends. The tricks doesn't work that well and for now I would have to sit down and write my blog emotionally. Blogging at this hour is kinda good, such a quiet and peaceful time.

Well I think I need to stop here. Nights...

Where are you?

2011-04-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

After all these years, I will still get really emotional when I think of you. Maybe I should say that I never did grow up.

Yes, what I did is I seldom cry anymore but I still miss you a lot. Miss talking to you, miss cooking together with you, miss watching drama with you....... I'm just missing doing every single thing with you.

I always ask "where are you now, ma?".
Heaven? Hell? Rebirth? Sigh, I don't think I will get an answer. Maybe I should just stop asking, maybe I just need to accept the fact that you are not here with me anymore.

I am always so sad after meeting you in my dreams. All the while in all these dreams I moved forward without you. I remembered there was once that I dreamed of you taking a same bus together with me, you were tired of standing and you alighted at one of the stops. Somehow, I called you to take care and see you alight at that stop. However, when I was aware that you alighted without me, I quickly ran down at the next stop and keep running to your direction. Sadly, I could not find you anymore; just like the truth, you left me without saying a word. And as usual, I woke up and found myself crying again. Yup, maybe there is just a clear border between us now, I may need to cross the final frontier to see you again. Just a futile hope.

I wanted to say sorry to you, I don't know why my motivation dies with you. I'm still trying to rebirth it but is just too hard for me. I hardly made any progress. I still remembered clearly that you always accompanied me during the hard times. During my primary school exams, you made Ribena for me, you waited for me in school. It is always you who will sacrifice so much for me. Your only concern then was my health and my studies. You were so happy when I did well and I was so glad I could made you smile.

Felling sick before exams seemed like one of my hobbies back then but you were always there for me; always encouraging me to do my best. I never let you down at that time, didn't I? And for now, whenever I fall sick I will think of how you had taken care of me. Those sleepless nights that I caused you to have may indirectly take some time of your life. Those idiotic acts that I have done really left great impact on your life. You have always protected me all the while but you never gave me a chance to protect and take care of you instead. Such an awful son right?

Just a while ago, my friend sent me a link about "What do you know today that you wish you knew 10 years ago?" I think I wish to know what would have happened to you and if I did, I will work harder for you, fight harder for you and live harder for you. If I was given a chance, I would choose to have a harder life for myself in exchange with a easier life for you. But, there are just no options or perhaps I never able to see the options. There is just too many regrets in my life for now and I will bear with them for the rest of my life.

I just want to tell you that "If there is a god in this world, you are my god cause you are the one who gave me everything."

Need to stop blogging for now; perhaps you might be able to read it. It is just another stupid thinking of mine to escape from sadness again. I just don't wanna cry anymore which I doubt I could do that. I miss you Mum and will always do.

A path

2009-08-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

~so much to tell her, so much to do for her~

Time passes by so fast and sometimes we couldn't realize what is really happening in our life. Recently there is really a lot of unhappiness or rather sadness in my life. The most important person in my life has left me for 112 days now. Still missing her all these time and will surely miss her in the future.

I always think that the word impossible would not leave a great impact in my life. Believing in working hard will grant me a fruitful result in future. Well, not everything would turn out to what we want it to be even we work hard for it, yet nothing would turn out if we do not put any effort. Now, I really do know what is impossible to be done in life. Never able to see her, touch her, hug her, kiss her, talk to her and others. She only lives in my memories for now and the future.

Don't think I will write down on what happened and how sad I'm as I really don't like to complain life like some people like to do. They could complain every single thing in their life. Ouch! Feel sad with them.

Really want to thank few of my friends who really do care about me and keep me accompany to go through this period of time. Appreciate a lot. Being in KL last 2 weeks was an enjoying one as i really keep me away from thinking any sad things (thank you for those who talk so much with me in KL).
That’s life. I clearly know what am I doing now and what I need to do in future. Just want to tell her “mum, no need to worry about me and I’ll always love you”

Life's life..

2009-03-08T00:35:00.000-08:00

Well, 1st of all really sorry for not posting anything here since my birthday.
Sorry to my viewer...
And sorry to my blog...

Quite a busy time I having here. Let's start from 19th February, my mum admitted to hospital on that day due to unknown reason of pyrexia aka fever. Well, i rush back that day after finishing some important task as I was really worried. Sitting on the long journey bus yet I can't sleep like I usually do. Really been thinking a lot that time. Been thinking " How could I help her?" "What could I do when I get back?". I would just hope to cook something nice for her when I get back as I know that food in Taiping General Hospital really not nice.

Every time I see my mum sick, I feel so helpless. She is the person who loves and cares for me the most and even give all the best things to me.
Towards the end of the year 2005, she was admitted once to hospital. That time, is backbone problem. I can tell that she suffer a great deal of pain that time adding up with her migraine. I remember I am so depress that time, feeling helpless. I told myself to study hard and become a doctor so that I would always be the 1st to know what happen to my mum. I really do strive hard, but nothing turn out much. However, what's over is definitely over.

It is not that serious this time, she just feel so tired due to the prolong fever. All the blood test show that is normal, free from dengue, malaria, etc.. The doctors diagnose the problem is due to the flow of blood and gave my mum injections. Thanks to my sister, who is a teacher, my mum is given a 2nd class room(with air conditional). Taiping GH really not that good though, the parking lot just below the wad is not even tarred and when it rains, it becomes a pond. The authority ought to do something about it. (Did not get to take the photo of it). It really help in promoting breeding of mosquitoes.

One week plus in the hospital and she finally discharge on last Saturday. Well, she want to get home as soon as possible so that I would come back here and study peacefully as I have mid-terms coming up the following week. However, I know she is not fully recover yet. In the end, I took the long journey bus back to Singapore again, however, I could at least sleep on the journey.

For now I would have to entrust my dad and my 2 dogs to take care of her. Very grateful to have my 2 dogs around, they can accompany her as well as helping her to move around the house. They are part of my family though.

Have to study hard now and plan to get back as soon as my exams are over. After this incident, I feel much more confident what I have and want to do. It somehow get rid of those incident that haunt me for some time(which I previously said in my blog).

Would really like to tell my mum "Thanks mum, I love you."

ps. Thanks to my friendly neighbourhood, Yee Kong for helping me out during that week.

21st birthday

2009-02-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

12 February 2009 arrived and clearly showing I'm 1 year older. 21-years-old, officially an adult(not sure whether is a happy or sad thing to hear). This birthday has been same for the pass many years I think, no birthday cake, no party, no birthday song but do have some early birthday present from my family. Well, the only time my birthday is celebrate with my friends before is during upper 6(quite a happy one) and the following year I had quite a nice day due to someone sing me a birthday song.

Nothing much to aspect for the whole day, just happy that I have no class today (as i will attend it tomorrow) then I can spend my other time to sleep and cook!! Yup, bake 2 chicken thigh for my lunch with potato, carrot and onion and butter rice. Really do enjoy my lunch a lot, really full just now add up with a milo ice. Extremely satisfy with my cooking today, that's my 21st birthday lunch. Even though it tasted nice, still a lot of things missing in the lunch. Well, I do really hope that I don't have to eat lunch alone. How nice if the person I really want to meet can be with me. How nice if I can spend my birthday with family, friends or the person I really want to meet.

Days seem bored nowadays and even more today. Really spend my whole afternoon facebook-ing and reading manga online. Then I fall asleep again, not really a nice sleep as it is very very hot here. More like sleeping in the oven. When I woke up is already 7pm! Time passes really quickly. After bath then sitting down here to blog, don't know what's for dinner. Not yet think of what to eat yet, lazy to cook anything. Thinking to drink a cup of milk and continue to do my work. Still, pressing my phone with eagerness to call "the person I really want to meet", been repeating this phrase. Haha.

Yup, end up eating ice-cream as dinner and skype to talk to my parents. I hope the next 3 hours would be something nice, but really didn't expect anything. Aha, that's my 21st birthday, really not much different than a normal day, perhaps a more boring day. Really envy those people having a good 21st year old birthday party and to them, they would think nothing special of it.

Really want to thanks those who send me a birthday wish. I appreciate them a lot. Thank you for remembering my birthday. Some who is very busy with their work may really forget bout it but do hope you all will remember me. ^^

2009-02-10T03:17:00.000-08:00

Well, have no idea why I would start a blog.. many of my friends seems to enjoy writing and updating their blog.. But then, I start this blog out of loneliness and regrets I think.

2 more days and I'll be 21, lying down on my bed and thinking back what I had done for all these years. Been appreciating and enjoying life since small, however what happened in 2007 really change me a lot. Til now, I don't really think I regain back my total strength and brains and whatever I have lost.

~backtrack~

I put effort in my STPM(form 6 exam) back then. To think of it, I would hope I don't do that well in it. Thinking my result is rather good, gladly filled in the university application form with medicine course. That was one of the biggest mistake I made in life. Yet, for the 1st half year of 2007, things do went well. I had achievement, happily staying at home with my family and having a good relationship with my girl friend. Everything went so well and I was so satisfy with it, I even got my scholarship to study in local university.

But then, there goes 18th June 2007- the day which many things start to move or disappear from me. I still remember I went for Kuok Foundation interview for scholarship, after that still happily walking around Low Yat but I do really feel uneasy that day. On the way back to Sungai Long to prepare journey back to Taiping, friends sms telling me that university application result is out. Still remember that time my dad stop by at Shell, and I sms my 'so-called-sis',Irin to check the result for me. What I get for reply really a great shock, a course which I totally do not know it. I really feel so worry that time and I thought she is playing with me. I rush to the nearby cybercafe(tbun in Sungai Long) and check it myself. I really did not get what I want and in fact I was given something I totally never think of. I really burst into tears that time!!

Journey back to Taiping that day was really a suffer one. Well, since that day I really getting down day by day. 2nd big mistake come then, I start to ignore my girl friend and telling many irrational things to her. She had her own problem that time, and I really didn't show enough care for her. It then leads to our breakup in Sept. (many of my friends never do know what happen to us).

~backtrack~

Although after so long I really still miss her a lot especially this few days where my birthday and valentine day is near. And I really regretted letting go this relationship.

What had been done can't be undone and no matter how regret I am, I still need to go on living my life for myself and those who love me. Hope I would really obtain my strength back. Strive for excellency.